When I say the Lord prepares us, I mean it. This week, I had the chance to get to know a great guy I’d met earlier this semester. We really started talking more because, let’s be honest, we both seem to live in the BYU TA math tutoring center. He was sweet, kind, and funny—. Things were going great.
But earlier that week, while reading over my essentials paper,(
An assignment for my Marriage Prep class where I had an interview lots of couples ask them deep questions and then write a paper with what my essential attributes for me as a partner are, five attributes of a spouse I should look for and five attributes that a relationship in general should have) I remembered some advice I’d gotten from two different couples I’d interviewed. Both couples said to pay close attention to how the person you’re dating treats the relationships they already have. Questions like, How do they treat their mom? Their siblings? were their starting points. They also emphasized the importance of their family dynamic because, apparently, this plays a key role in relationships.
Naturally, I started paying attention.
also because how someone treats the people they have known for a long time is a big indicator of how they will treat you over time, after the honey moon phase is over. after your guards are down,
The guards that only can withstand for so long
The guards that were made out of plastic not out of metal.
The guards that are made to hold back our imperfections
The guard we intentionally and unintentionally put up.
Let’s Talk Family Dynamics
First, there’s parenting. Surprisingly, this was the biggest source of conflict for nearly every couple I interviewed. It wasn’t something I expected, mostly because in Eternal Families class, we focus so much on marriage itself. I didn’t realize how much parenting could become a sticking point.
One person told me, “Even if you don’t like the way your parents did something, a lot of what they did influences how you approach parenting.” That thought took some time to sink in. I’ve always thought of myself as a “transitional character” in my family—you know, breaking cycles and all that. But then I realized there are a lot of good things my parents did that have shaped me.
For example:
• I think allowance should be earned (thanks, Mom and Dad).
• Boys in my bedroom? Absolutely not.
• Annual family vacations? A must.
All those things are reflections of how I was raised. But I also understand that parenting differences can create major contention in relationships if not addressed.
What About Family Culture?
Another thing couples mentioned was noticing how the person you’re dating feels about their family. If you can’t stand their in-laws—or how their family functions—it’s likely you won’t love certain things about your spouse either. Resentment can build quickly in situations like that.
One couple also brought up family expectations, which can create surprising challenges in relationships. For instance, a friend shared how their in-laws expected them to request time off work for family birthdays—something they weren’t accustomed to. This difference in family culture led to a few misunderstandings. It is striking how even small discrepancies in expectations can reveal deeper cultural divides, underscoring the importance of communication and mutual understanding in relationships
Back to the Guy
So, naturally, I asked this guy about his family dynamics. I was curious, so I asked, “How much time do you spend with your family?” That’s when he dropped the bomb: every Sunday, day and night—along with Friday- Wednesday night and Monday as well.
His family had these four days locked down for family time—no exceptions. Not even for senior prom. He MISSED SENIOR PROM! While I understand the importance of a close-knit family and appreciate the structure this brings, this level of commitment struck me as quite intense. I value family time, but the idea of having every Friday, Sunday, Wednesday and Monday exclusively reserved for family activities felt restrictive.
As an adult, I’ve come to realize that a healthy relationship requires a balance—one that allows room for personal growth and the ability to navigate other aspects of life without constantly adhering to a rigid schedule. For me, flexibility in planning and spending time with loved ones is essential. I believe in fostering meaningful connections, but I also see value in the space to pursue my own interests and commitments.
Then, other red flags popped up. He never got my door—not once.
He went Dutch, he asked me out and then didn’t pay????? While I totally respect women being treated as capable, little chivalrous gestures like opening the door make me feel loved. I later found out his mom was a feminist and his dad held high standards for women, so they never encouraged chivalry. That’s fine, but it didn’t vibe with me.
The Takeaway
Ultimately, this guy and I had some pretty fundamental differences—family expectations, parenting philosophies, even how we show respect in relationships. These things may seem small at first, but based on what I’ve learned from other couples, they’re often the source of bigger conflicts down the road.
Could we have made it work? Probably. But would it have been hard? Absolutely. And thanks to what I’ve learned, I was able to recognize these differences early on and avoid a lot of potential heartache.
The Lord prepares us, and this week, He prepared me to see the need to walk away.
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