Little Mister HIM

Tonight, I had a glimpse of eternity—the kind of moment that makes you say, “God is real. He is there, and I am His child.” The sequence of events was perfect, magnificently planned. I have learned that if God wants to get us somewhere, and we are worthy, we will be there! 

Mr. HIM called at the perfect time. He broke the news, slicing straight to the point. I am not sure if he discussed this with anyone, but he really did not waste any time.

HE SAID : “I prayed, and I received an answer I did not expect: I should not be exclusive with anyone for the next six weeks” —a transfer, I thought, a transfer. My world swirled as the realization hit me. This was supposed to be what I wanted—it was. Just a few hours earlier, I was running through the other possibilities.  I was convincing myself that it would be best if we were just friends, that I should not pressure a relationship. Let me tell you, every single possibility was thought through, overthought, and then overly thought one more time for good measure.

 Yet, through all the possibilities I had run through my head today the one I was currently prosssing was ——marriage. An eternal, exalted union of two souls linked in inmortality. He was mine, and I was his.

This realization had begun earlier when I was screaming Taylor Swift music in the free way and realized I loved the most important things about Mr. HIM : his testimony, his love for knowledge, his desire to see me as a soul, not just a mere mortal. I love these things about him. But did I love him? I know him, but there is still so much to know.

But like I said, I was running through all the options possibilities, combination, box combo, no drink, drink pulse fries, pulse tip——- all them possibilities. 

So though at this current moment when the phone ringed and I was thinking about gold rings…. Most of the day was a combination facing the fact that I wouldn’t have him in my life at all. 

Despite all the options, one prevailed, and with its triumph came peace: let him date other people.

This idea settled in as I sat down with our mutual mission president and his wife. The thought kept coming to me, even as she told me, “How are you supposed to figure out if he’s the one if you date other people? How are you supposed to figure out if you want to spend eternity with him if you don’t spend time with him?” Though all that she said made sense, I still had this this feeling, let him date other people. So, when I got the call from him, I already knew what he was going to say. I knew he would be aligned with the Lord. But it is always harder to hear something from someone else when you are not the one saying it.

When the call came, I knew deep down what the final decision was going to be. Although it’s never fun to be the one told rather than the teller, that’s something I’ve learned over the past few years: pride often takes the form of control. Being the one who calls the shots gives a false sense of power over our lives. But this is the opposite of what God asks of us: to give our lives, our will, and our whole hearts to Him. So, with the insight I’ve gained in my short time here in mortality, I knew—even though I wanted exclusivity—that it wouldn’t be the best choice.

Still, sometimes our hearts and our mouths don’t align. This was evident during our 3.5-hour phone call last night. He asked me what I wanted, and I told him. I said, “If it were up to me, and if all the situations and circumstances lined up perfectly, I would want to date exclusively.” He was quiet for a moment, and then he said, “I think it’s worth the risk.”

Wait, what? That wasn’t what he was supposed to say. He was supposed to say, “No, I want to date other people.” And then I’d say, “Yeah, you’re probably right.” But he didn’t. He said, “Let’s do it.” That was a hard pill to swallow. Ummm, no! That’s not what you were supposed to say! “I think you should date others….” I blurted out 

And it’s not that I want him to date other people because I don’t madly love him but rather because I love him. I love him in a way that isn't romantic a way that is mature and charity itable. I wanted him to date other people. I know that me myself I’m not complete but that if he’s able to date other people, he can see what he likes and then he can communicate that to me so that I can do those things for him. Things that I might not naturally do and things that he might not know that he wants to have done because he’s never dated . 

But even more than that, I had a vision that night, a vision of what it might look like for him if he did date exclusive, and it was a lack of growth, a lack of freedom he hesitancy and eggshells. And so I knew I had to put his needs and his eternal progression before mine.

Yet 

I was yo-yoing this poor guy 

Well where was I again… oh yes I was telling you about tonight when the phone range. I was getting off the freeway exit. The timing was… well, almost perfect. He told me what was going to happen, and my heart dropped. I wanted to see his face, to have him say it to me, not behind the voice of a screen. As I drove, I saw the temple in the distance. Seven lanes of traffic made it hard to make my way over, but I decided to try. Slowly but surely—one car, one avoided accident at a time—I made it.

I pulled into the Orem temple parking lot, and we talked. How do you accept the truth that you already knew but now have to hear from someone else? Something I’ve learned over the past six months is that guys like to make sure things are their ideas. Nothing is really theirs until they’re the ones to decide it.

I decided that going to the temple would be a good idea right about now. As it happened, I had an extra dress in the back seat. I threw it on, tied my hair up in a ponytail, and walked in. I felt almost out of place, like I knew where I should be, but I didn’t feel prepared. Without my temple bag, wearing my Doc Martens and a dress I normally wouldn’t wear to the temple, I felt out of sorts. A kind worker looked at me and said, “Oh, are you here for baptisms?”

“No,” I replied. “I’m here for an initiatory.”

I was kindly directed to the office. In a very real sense, I felt like I’d arrived at the celestial kingdom—but I wasn’t ready. Pushing the feelings aside, I hurried to the office. I decided that an endowment would be just as good as an initiatory, so I asked to do that. I rented clothes, and the lady at the counter asked me a few questions.

I told her that my almost-boyfriend and I had decided to take a break. Even though it was the right thing to do, and even though I had thought it should happen, it was still hard to hear it from him. She looked at me and said, “Sometimes we want our will, and sometimes we want others’ will. But that’s why we have to pray for God’s will, because that’s the best that can happen.”

She was right. She didn’t know how much weight that statement carried, but she was absolutely right. I told her, “I’m going to pray for God’s will forever and always. And at least now I’ll pray to understand or at least feel at peace with His.” 

That’s what I prayed for the previous night. I prayed for me to want what Would be best for MR HIM 

This session was full of insights.

 As we are dressed in the robes of holiness, the temple teaches us and gives us a glimpse of what it shall be like in heaven. That is the true meaning of “the temple is heaven on earth,” because for a small moment in that session, we experience what it will be like to be on the other side. TO BE CLOTHED WITH THAT POWER ALWAYS. Walking form palace to mansion with Gods power and Glory rung about us.

One insight that came to me was the feeling that I needed to go to Utah State for spring and summer. The words spoke true to me. As Eve counseled us to seek the counsel of Peter, James, and but now, I was supposed to listen to the messages from conference, which all told me the same thing: take a step of faith.

Another realization was that there is no perfect relationship. I have lived my life searching for one. I have spent years studying the psychology of relationships and have enough credits to minor in Human Development. Yet, I realized that my pursuit of perfection in relationships was denying the Atonement of Jesus Christ. No relationship will follow the RAM model perfectly. No relationship will unfold exactly according to theories of Alan filsk. al That is why the Atonement is needed. We should not search for a perfect relationship; we should seek Jesus to perfect our relationships. We need to as Him to be part of them.

MR HIM saw me—not just my outward self but my soul, which is the most important part of me. God breathed life into me, and that is what Adam loved in Eve. I am not saying I will marry MR Him. I believe you should date for at least six months, if not a year, before committing to eternity with someone. But I do know this: sometimes, it is okay to sit in uncertainty. It is okay not to know what comes next. The world tells us we need control, but it is okay to surrender that control to God.

As I reflected on my patriarchal blessing, I was reminded that my eternal companion will come back into my life at the right time. “He is young, still undergoing preparation, and that is okay”. MR HIM may be fulfilling part of that blessing now, but if he is not, that is also okay. I do not think there is just one person for us. We make someone “the one” through Jesus Christ.

After a session of insights, I made my way to the celestial room. And then to the sealing rooms-  and prayed and realization came over me: this Church is true. God is real. He is there, and I am His child.”  I sat there, knowing that held true for Mr Him just as much as it did for me. He spoke to Mr Him. The Lord would prepare Mr Him for Miss me. who ever Mr Him may be …… I’ll know he’ll be mine. 

As I zoomed out and saw the bigger picture, I felt a sense of peace. Life is so much more than this moment.

 My love for God will lead me to Mr Him 

Thank you  Mr Him